Math is hard

If GenCon has become my Christmas, then this weekend is well, that day when your taxes are due and you have a dentist appointment and, by the way, you accidentally ran over a kitten. And a puppy. It's time at work for INVENTORY.

If anyone out there remembers last year, that was the weekend I had a bit of a mental breakdown and held an impromptu mathematics lesson after finding over a dozen miscounts in the span of 24 feet of shelving.

I fear this year will be worse.

How would that even be possible? Lots of reasons.

1) We're down 3 bodies from last year. Unfortunately, not the three bodies I would have hoped (that is, the people who can't count during the course of the year). Fewer people = longer count times.

2) More product that last year. With a slew of new merchandise (that's been sitting on the shelves since I located it there), at least 84 more feet of shelving have been assembled. Most of it has lots of teensy-tiny boxes with teensy-tiny product inside. Most of the shelves are also so high they need to be reached by ladder. Lots of items + ladder-counting = mistakes.

3) I don't know how to phrase this exactly, but shoddy stocking seems to make the most sense. Finding products mislocated, sometimes in the wrong warehouse, doesn't give me a lot of hope that the counts are going to be tallied accurately. Recounts? Even more of a problem.

4) Here is the kicker: there's a chance all this counting over the next two days will be for naught. Why? Our parent company is going through a computer upgrade this weekend, an upgrade that was pushed back from 3 weeks ago. There exists the possibility that when all is said and done and the inventory is set to post... it just won't. All data lost.

And the management knows about this. We had a meeting about maybe possibly delaying the counts for another 2 weeks, when it's hotter and we have that Monday off and as such won't get overtime for counting. By the fact that we're counting today, you can see how well that went over with the personnel. (Aside: when inventory date was put to a vote during this meeting, I abstained. When called out on it, I stated "It doesn't really matter to me. It's got to get done. Besides, I don't think we'll get it done right anyway." Cynicism or realism? You be the judge.)

I already had a headache yesterday. The counting starts today at 1 PM. Updates will come via Twitter feed. Pray for my sanity. And that I'm not giving math lessons on July 10th.

The Most Logical Conclusion

Well, today was certainly something.

Begin at the beginning, I suppose. Punch in this morning to discover that the server host is not working/connected. Find supervisor, wait for system reboot, endure a fairly typical Wednesday morning.

Then the power outage happens.

It's not a full power outage, mind you. Just a couple of pops, over half the lights going dark, industrial fans stopping. The computers still run (oddly), so we can continue working, fumbling around in various levels of light. The power comes back to full strength within 15 minutes.

That's when the server crashes again.

Find supervisor (again), wait for reboot (AGAIN), have system eventually become stable (AGAIN!). Go to lunch, re-coffee up, return five minutes early. Snap industrial espionage style photos of Alky McDrinkDrink. Start post-lunch work.

While digging through a box of catheters, I find a key.

Yeah, a key. Not a cool, old-styled skeleton key, but what looks like a recently crafted housekey. At this point, I'm fairly certain that this key didn't come from China or Pakistan or Sri Lanka or wherever the things we sell are manufactured. It probably belongs to someone who actually works in our building. Find supervisor (getting tired of seeing me at this point), show/explain key, encourage him to ask around about it. If no one claims it, I'll take it back at the end of the day, because keys are nifty.

Ten minutes later, my Archenemy has his spare key back. Sigh. I endure a litany of uncharacteristic thanks from Archenemy ("I've been missing this for a week! My wallet has this flap and the key keeps falling out... thanks again. Thank you. I reeeeeeeeeeally appreciate it. Thank you again. Thank you.") I assure him it was no trouble at all and move on.

ASIDE: Keeping a spare key in a wallet? Is this a thing that people do? I mean, say you get robbed. Cash, credit cards, ID (with your address on it) and a key. To rob you BLINDER.

The afternoon continues. I continue working. Late afternoon I feel a drip on my forearm. It would be weird if it was sweat. Weirder if I was sweating on the paperwork, as it has two water-drips on it. The truth, of course, is weirder still.

I look up, and see I am being rained on. Inside. What. The. What.

The skies outside are clear. During the actual rainstorm yesterday the warehouse was perfectly dry.

Hello supervisor. Hello office folk. Hello receiving guy on a lift all the way up to the ceiling.

There's a hole in the ceiling. It seems like we should have known.

Time to move product so it doesn't get any more water damaged. Rather than watch as incredibly janky anti-soak measures are set up, I move on. As I leave I hear the higher-ups arguing about the cause of the leak.

All of this workplace madness swirls around my brain for a while, until I come up with an answer. An answer for why all this messed-up stuff is going on today. An answer, that, in hindsight, seems obvious.

We (that is, my company) should no longer be in existence. Between the inept management, apathetic workforce, and sharply declining sales, we should honestly no longer be in this building. Yet, somehow, we're still around. We've slipped through the cracks of reality. The computer issues, the power failure, the freak interior rainstorm?

The universe is attempting to course-correct. Yet, we stand.

It's to the point where I was expecting to look outside and see a rain of toads. Possibly watch a tanker truck pull up to the dock and explode. And it would seem, well, normal. A continued escalation on the part of reality.

Maybe tomorrow the universe will give up and let this aberration of a company stick around. Or, maybe a comet will crush our building. Time will tell.

I just wish I knew exactly how that housekey fits into all of this...

The Archenemy Error Pool

Here's the thing.

As some of you know, I have a workplace nemesis, and have for some time. For the sake of internet anonymity, I refer to him simply as my Archenemy. The reasons for our clashes are not critical to understand this post, except for this:

This man is as dumb as toast.

In the wake of his divorce, he was loudly discussing in the breakroom about how he didn't know how to make a sandwich. Seriously. Seriously.

Anyway, Archenemy works in the same department that I do: order-picking. In the order-packing department, the supervisor has The Black Book. This is a log of all the errors the pickers make that are discovered by the packing department. Shortage, overages, expired product, wrong product, that sort of thing.

Archenemy has been there for over ten years. Archenemy has the most entries in The Black Book by far. Archenemy has so many entries, the supervisor had to add in an additional page in his section.

Mathematics lesson time:

365 days in a year. (365)

Subtract weekends. (365-102=263)

Subtract paid company holidays. (263-7=256)

Subtract sick time, vacation, and personal time. (256-20=236)

That's 236 workdays for the average individual in a given year.

Black Book entries for the year started August 1. Archenemy's error count as of April 30?

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHT.

Now, how this guy still has a job is a discussion for another time, but with the errors looking to eclipse days worked (and the free time for me to do the math), a thought came to me:

Why not use this guy's stupidity for my own amusement?

Lo, The Archenemy Error Pool was born! Recruiting 3 other fed-up peers/soulless monsters, we each turned in a reasonable guess for mistakes to be made in the month of May. 20 workdays. Closest to actual errors wins. One dollar apiece is on the line. Small stakes, but it's really about the pride and bragging rights rather than the cash.

I didn't think my guess of 25 errors would be at the bottom of the list, but apparently my peers have even less faith in my Archenemy than I do. The high guess is 47 errors.

If today (day 1) is any indication, Archenemy is on track for 60 errors this month. Who woulda thunk it? He's intensely stupid.

The only question I'm wrestling with now: was starting this error pool more or less tasteless than the Temp Worker Longevity Pools I've started in the past?

Why I'm not in Marketing: A Play in One Act

(Based on actual events)

Scene: A man and a woman are sitting on a couch. A half empty bottle of wine rests on the table between them. The television is on. An ad for Lipitor is airing.

Man: Lipitor?!? Look at that smarmy jerk, Dr. Robert Jarvik. Naming his artificial heart the Jarvik artificial heart. What a jerk.

Woman: You wouldn't name an invention after yourself?

Man: Nope. Jerk.

Woman: Fine. If you had invented it, what would you have named the artificial heart.

Man: (immediately) Megaheart.

Woman: (deadpan) Try harder.

Man: (immediately, again) Ultraheart.

Woman: I'm done with this conversation.

-FIN-

Bridge Over Trebled Slaughter

SPOILER WARNING: Left 4 Dead 2 spoilers ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

In the aftermath of the release of Left 4 Dead 2, there was a lot of complaint-laden chatter on the interwebs. "It's too soon!" "It's too expensive!" It's too HARD! Even easy is too HARD!"

Let me tell you a story.

There are a bunch of achievements to get in L4D2. Some are easy (survive a campaign, 200 lifetime melee kills), some are hard (survive all campaigns on expert, kill a tank with only melee weapons). One of these achievements is called "Bridge Over Troubled Slaughter" - cross the bridge in the Parish finale in under 3 minutes.

This is no ordinary bridge. This is a highway suspension bridge spanning the Mississippi River, covered in abandoned vehicles. Oh, and ZOMBIES. Lots of zombies. It's a long bridge, and basically the finale of the entire game.

DISCLAIMER: I am not very good at first-person shooters. L4D2 is a first-person shooter.

Anyway, this past Tuesday Night Shooting Club, myself and a friend make the call. We're doing this 3 minute run. 2 humans, 2 computer AI.

3 attempts later, -clink-, Achievement Unlocked!

Now, this was on easy difficulty, and the only way to make it across the bridge in time was to kill the pokey, cautious AI as soon as the level started. So, 2 players (one of whom is not very good), on easy, on the Xbox 360 version, with no AI assistance. 3 tries. 3 minutes.

Conclusion? If you're crying that L4D2 is "too hard", quit crying. Man up, try again, and learn 2 shoot, noob. Because, quite simply, you're just plain wrong.

Postscript: anyone waiting on the GenCon wrap-up blog should pin their hopes on next August. I even took notes last year, but far too much time has passed.

The ol' double-standard

Here's the thing.

The co-worker that wrote "GEEKFEST" on the calendar over GenCon in a deliberate act of mockery? Turns out he's off on a 4 day weekend. Driving to Iowa. To participate in a fantasy football draft.

Look. At this point, the difference between his creation of an imaginary team of sportsters and me rolling dice to kill a dragon on a tabletop is negligible.

Hi, pot? This is the kettle. You're black.

(FYI: Epic GenCon wrapup blog is coming. Soonish.)

What a Horrible Night to Have a Curse

So.

I had good intentions. I was going to talk about houses. Or maybe clothesline-stealing squirrels. But I'm really trying to put forth some positive effort re: home ownership, so I have nothing to say on that at the moment.

So.

Let me tell you about Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia. Why I bought it. Why I played it. Why I'll never play it again.

Don't get me wrong. I love me some Castlevania. Symphony of the Night is my favorite game of all time. Despite never finishing many of the early games, I own all 3 original NES games, GBA games, and all 3 DS games. The games have gotten easier over the years. Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia "fixes" that.

Trust me when I say the game is gorgeous. Beautiful, even. Great music. Evocative enemies. But it's hard. How hard? SO HARD. I bought it last fall, set it aside after a few weeks (yes, that's right, weeks) and just picked it up again this week after some malaise with my stand-by DS titles.

I play DS at work (lunches and breaks, represent!), so lately it's been crosswords and turn-based strategy. Seeking something different, I turned to my DS pile of shame (more in the future) and remembered never finishing C:OoE.

I'm finished now.

I have been on the same boss for 2 solid days. That's approximately 2 1/2 hours of the Same. Boss. Fight. I have searched FAQs online. I have tried any number of options. I even have the pattern mostly figured out. But it's just too freakin' hard.

Why, my character has 548 hit points. That sounds like a lot. It might as well be the 3 hearts of 1986 NES games, because I'm dead within 3 hits. Seriously. Screw up on the pattern once, and you're toast.

I'm too old for this. I don't have the patience for this anymore. The internal game clock has me logged at 8 hours, 56 minutes. In real life? Double it. Easily. 3 days spent on the 2nd boss, but I wasn't ready to quit that early on. 70% unlocked at this point. That's enough.

Back to the shelf. The pile of shame. It will sit there and mock me as an example of my gaming failures. But y'know what? That's OK. The frustration saved by not playing - and the money saved by not throwing my DS against a wall - that'll do. Because I'm a homeowner now, and I can't afford to replace that DS until we get a dining room table.